Today I will take it easy. I will accept that I've made mistakes in the past. I will also accept that I did the best I could.

Maybe I wish I had made different decisions or handled things differently. But wishes don't change the past. I can only begin making changes today. I will accept myself, knowing that I did my best. I did what I thought I had to do.

I am, and have always been, worthy of being loved the way I want to be loved.

Opening Ourselves to Love

Allowing ourselves to receive love is one of the greatest challenges we face in a new life recovery.

Many of us have blocked ourselves from receiving love.
We may have lived with people who used love to control us.
They would be there for us, but at the high price of our freedom.
Love was given, or withheld, to control us and have power over us. It was not safe for us to receive love from these people. We may have gotten accustomed to not receiving love, not acknowledging our need for love, because we lived with people who had no real love to give.

At some point in our new life recovery, we acknowledge that we, too, want and need to be loved. We may feel awkward with this need. Where do we go with it? What do we do? Who can give us love? How can we determine who is safe and who isn't? How can we let others care for us without feeling trapped, abused, frightened, and unable to care for ourselves?

We will learn. The starting point is surrender -- to our desire to be loved, our need to be nurtured and loved. We will grow confident in our ability to take care of ourselves with people. We will feel safe enough to let people care for us; we will grow to trust our ability to choose people who are safe and who can give us love.

We may need to get angry first -- angry that our needs have not been met. Later, we can become grateful to those people who have shown us what we don't want, the ones who have assisted us in the process of believing we deserve love, and the ones who come into our life to love us.

We are opening up like flowers. Sometimes it hurts as the petals push open. Be glad. Our heart is opening up to the love that is and will continue to be there for us.

Surrender to the love that is there for us, to the love that people, the Universe, and our Higher Power send our way.

Surrender to love, without allowing people to control us or keep us from caring for ourselves. Start by surrendering to love for yourself.

Today, I will open myself to the love that is here for me. I will let myself receive love that is safe, knowing I can take care of myself with people. I will be grateful to all the people from my past who have assisted me in my process of opening up to love. I claim, accept, and am grateful for the love that is coming to me.

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved . . . the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.
--George Eliot

We've all heard many times that we must love ourselves if we're ever to love another. Too often we mistakenly think that means we shouldn't need to hear someone's affirmation of love. That assumption is wrong. Praise from others builds our self-confidence, keeps us on track, aware of how we're presenting ourselves moment by moment.

But many of us didn't develop healthy egos in our youth because we didn't get feedback that affirmed us. We didn't hear we were loved. As adults, we're scrambling to feel confident, to feel sure of our direction and our value to society. And we're hoping to hear we're loved. We can be certain someone close will be helped by hearing our words of love.

There's no time like the present for sharing love.

The world shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
--Anais Nin

First you crawled, then you learned to walk, and the world grew a little bigger. You learned to ride a bike, and it grew even more. Then you learned to drive a car and bought a plane ticket. Suddenly, the horizons were limitless. But then, those doubts crept in. I can't go to Los Angeles. I'll never find my way around. And the world shrinks a little bit. I shouldn't take that trip this year; I've got too many responsibilities. And it shrinks a little more. Enough excuses and rationalizations and you're left sitting in a little box with the lid tightly affixed.

No experiences, no lessons, no life.

My Bill of Rights

I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to say no and not feel guilty.
I have the right to experience and express my feelings.
I have the right to take time for myself.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to ask for information.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of.
I have the right to feel good about myself.
I have the right to act only in ways that promote my dignity and self-respect as long as others are not violated in the process.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
--Jessie Potter

When we have to make a decision, we need to know if we're deciding for ourselves or to please others. We need to really consider all our options and not let fear or low self-esteem force us into a decision we may regret.

We can make a list of our options and the possible consequences of each and check it out with someone we admire and respect. No one can live without support from others. At the same time, no one can live our lives for us. We are free to ask for help, free to change ourselves as we choose, and free to enjoy the rewards.

Today let me try to make decisions based on facts and then get a second opinion

Boxes can be comfortable. I've spent some time in them myself. But no matter how cozy you make it, a box is still a box. They come in all sizes and shapes. But whenever we start letting unrealistic fears hold us back and down, we can be fairly certain we're climbing inside another box, again. It may take a while, but sooner or later we'll run into the walls.

Find one small I can't in your life and take the lid off of the box. Look around. It's a big world out there. If it looks small, it's because you've made it that way. Try for a minor impossibility. Go apply for that dream job. The worst that will happen is that you'll learn something new about yourself. If you don't actually get the job, you may find out what it will take to get it, and then the world will grow when you stop wishing for a miracle and begin pursuing your dreams yourself. Pick up some brochures for that photo safari you've always wanted to take. Learn how to speak a foreign language. One woman I know had claustrophobia. For her birthday this year, she rode in a elevator for the first time. Then she went back and did it again.

Go ahead. Poke the top off from your box. Stick your head out. Look around. See! The world is a marvelous, amazing place.

Find a fear, then turn it into a ladder. Get out of the box of doubt and insecurity and into the freedom of courage and belief in yourself.

God, give me the courage to climb out of my box.

Parental alienation: Life in the void for discarded parents

October 17, 2016 • 49 Likes • 20 Comments

Few people would argue that one of the worst experiences one can have in life as a human on this planet is losing a child. When a child dies, it is normal for the bereaved parents to experience grief and emotional distress. It is not a normal experience to have to bury one’s own biological child. Often families come together in order to console and support one another at such a time.

However, there is another way to lose a child – through parental alienation. Cases such as kidnapping, abduction, court orders or contact denial can cause similar grief responses in the targeted parent where a child is still alive, but non-existent in the life of one of its parents.

The response and the suffering can even be worse than had the child actually died, because the knowledge that the child is still out there, somewhere, means that the targeted parent is unable to go through the usual processes which relieve the symptoms of grief – making sense of the loss and coming to terms with it, and finding positive outcomes from the loss. Many parents never adapt to the bereavement caused by the sudden and complete removal from their life of their biological child, regardless of the cause.

Some of the symptoms associated with complicated grief and which can cause impairment include:

Shock and disbelief;
Separation distress – yearning, craving, pining;
Failure to adapt – difficulty accepting the loss, avoiding reminders of the loss;
Detachment, numbness, absence of emotion;
Loss of trust, difficulty moving on making friends and pursuing interests;
Feelings of emptiness, meaninglessness; and
Rumination, bitterness and anger related to the loss.

Depression and anxiety are also common, often leading to alcohol and substance abuse and general lowering of quality of life.

Alienated parents suffering these grief symptoms can then choose to engage with the legal system and court process, which can be drawn out and gruelling, as the only restoration oriented process available to recover the relationship with their child. They may present with these pathological symptoms at court ordered psychological and psychiatric evaluations, which may influence their evaluation as a capable parent by that ‘expert witness’. In giving evidence to the court that parent might exhibit depression and anxiety or may get angry and blame the other party – none of which will usually help the case of that party for access to or residency of the child. However, these are normal responses to grief and if an alienated parent were not experiencing them, it would be abnormal.

An alienated parent cannot be expected to have a ‘normal’ grief response and ‘find meaning’ through the court process while enduring ongoing and protracted denial of contact and/or contempt of court orders. It is difficult for any parent to be told that you have to wait six months or longer before getting a court hearing because of procedural delays inherent in the system, during which time you probably won’t see your child at all. Imagine the despair when that hearing gets adjourned for another three months, with no outcomes. Many parents find it difficult to accept the injustices of the system and to not respond with blame and anger, which is not always inappropriate or unjustified. Even in situations where the removal of the child is required for the protection of the child, there should still be concern for the grief responses of both the parent and the child.

In most cases the primary concern is supposedly the “best interests of the child”, however such interests need to consider the mental health of both parents, especially the one left behind. How is a parent expected to accept a court ruling that it is in their child’s best interests to have no relationship with them? How is a child expected to react and cope if the alienated parent commits suicide?

For many alienated parents the result is Prolonged Grief Disorder. For others the pain is so difficult to tolerate that suicide seems like a solution or resorting to other desperate measures such as violence or abduction/kidnapping of the child.

In every family law case there is a winner and a loser, usually after years of waiting and uncertainty. More care needs to be provided to any parent who is faced with losing contact with their child, to prevent the harms that can ensue, the worst and most permanent being suicide. For many alienated parents there is a vacuum left in their life where their children used to be, a void that seems all consuming. The knowledge that their child is out there somewhere, and that restoration of their lost relationship is possible can keep some going, but can drive others off the deep end with emotional distress and eternal yearning.

Of course there are other factors that can exacerbate and further complicate the grief such as financial stress resulting from property settlements weighted in favour of the other, custodial parent, possibly also leading to homelessness, unemployment, substance abuse etc. Nobody can be properly compensated for the loss of a child, but the system doesn’t even try.

Unfortunately it seems there is little that can be done to resolve the grief of losing a child, other than to get as much counselling as possible, to do everything possible to restore your relationship with your child, or to walk away and get on with your own life and hope the child will seek you out when they are old enough and want to find out why you weren’t there for them. All you can do is try not to blame yourself for their emotional and mental issues and other harm that may have come to them as a consequence of being raised by a controlling and emotionally abusive parent, and accept them back into your life, as best you are able to be there for them, and let them know you love them, and always have.