Parental alienation: Life in the void for discarded parents
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Few people would argue that one of the worst experiences one can have in life as a human on this planet is losing a child. When a child dies, it is normal for the bereaved parents to experience grief and emotional distress. It is not a normal experience to have to bury one’s own biological child. Often families come together in order to console and support one another at such a time.
However, there is another way to lose a child – through parental alienation. Cases such as kidnapping, abduction, court orders or contact denial can cause similar grief responses in the targeted parent where a child is still alive, but non-existent in the life of one of its parents.
The response and the suffering can even be worse than had the child actually died, because the knowledge that the child is still out there, somewhere, means that the targeted parent is unable to go through the usual processes which relieve the symptoms of grief – making sense of the loss and coming to terms with it, and finding positive outcomes from the loss. Many parents never adapt to the bereavement caused by the sudden and complete removal from their life of their biological child, regardless of the cause.
Some of the symptoms associated with complicated grief and which can cause impairment include:
- Shock and disbelief;
- Separation distress – yearning, craving, pining;
- Failure to adapt – difficulty accepting the loss, avoiding reminders of the loss;
- Detachment, numbness, absence of emotion;
- Loss of trust, difficulty moving on making friends and pursuing interests;
- Feelings of emptiness, meaninglessness; and
- Rumination, bitterness and anger related to the loss.
Depression and anxiety are also common, often leading to alcohol and substance abuse and general lowering of quality of life.
Alienated parents suffering these grief symptoms can then choose to engage with the legal system and court process, which can be drawn out and gruelling, as the only restoration oriented process available to recover the relationship with their child. They may present with these pathological symptoms at court ordered psychological and psychiatric evaluations, which may influence their evaluation as a capable parent by that ‘expert witness’. In giving evidence to the court that parent might exhibit depression and anxiety or may get angry and blame the other party – none of which will usually help the case of that party for access to or residency of the child. However, these are normal responses to grief and if an alienated parent were not experiencing them, it would be abnormal.
An alienated parent cannot be expected to have a ‘normal’ grief response and ‘find meaning’ through the court process while enduring ongoing and protracted denial of contact and/or contempt of court orders. It is difficult for any parent to be told that you have to wait six months or longer before getting a court hearing because of procedural delays inherent in the system, during which time you probably won’t see your child at all. Imagine the despair when that hearing gets adjourned for another three months, with no outcomes. Many parents find it difficult to accept the injustices of the system and to not respond with blame and anger, which is not always inappropriate or unjustified. Even in situations where the removal of the child is required for the protection of the child, there should still be concern for the grief responses of both the parent and the child.
In most cases the primary concern is supposedly the “best interests of the child”, however such interests need to consider the mental health of both parents, especially the one left behind. How is a parent expected to accept a court ruling that it is in their child’s best interests to have no relationship with them? How is a child expected to react and cope if the alienated parent commits suicide?
For many alienated parents the result is Prolonged Grief Disorder. For others the pain is so difficult to tolerate that suicide seems like a solution or resorting to other desperate measures such as violence or abduction/kidnapping of the child.
In every family law case there is a winner and a loser, usually after years of waiting and uncertainty. More care needs to be provided to any parent who is faced with losing contact with their child, to prevent the harms that can ensue, the worst and most permanent being suicide. For many alienated parents there is a vacuum left in their life where their children used to be, a void that seems all consuming. The knowledge that their child is out there somewhere, and that restoration of their lost relationship is possible can keep some going, but can drive others off the deep end with emotional distress and eternal yearning.
Of course there are other factors that can exacerbate and further complicate the grief such as financial stress resulting from property settlements weighted in favour of the other, custodial parent, possibly also leading to homelessness, unemployment, substance abuse etc. Nobody can be properly compensated for the loss of a child, but the system doesn’t even try.
Unfortunately it seems there is little that can be done to resolve the grief of losing a child, other than to get as much counselling as possible, to do everything possible to restore your relationship with your child, or to walk away and get on with your own life and hope the child will seek you out when they are old enough and want to find out why you weren’t there for them. All you can do is try not to blame yourself for their emotional and mental issues and other harm that may have come to them as a consequence of being raised by a controlling and emotionally abusive parent, and accept them back into your life, as best you are able to be there for them, and let them know you love them, and always have.
• Parental Alienation Awareness Day in Australia is October 12.
Alienated parents can find resources and support online at www.emmm.org.au
Vardags , 27 NOV 2017
Cafcass launches ‘ground-breaking’ pilot scheme to crack down on parental alienation
Journalist
The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) is running a pilot scheme to bring an end to separated parents poisoning their child against the other parent. Parents who are guilty of manipulating their child in this way may have their child taken away from them and, in the most extreme cases, they may be denied contact.
Occurring when a child is caught in between their parents’ acrimonious divorce or separation, parental alienation is when a parent deliberately turns their child against their ex so that they eventually cut off all contact. Anthony Douglas, the chief executive of Cafcass, vividly described it as one parent ‘trying to turn their child into a child soldier in a battle’. Previously parental alienation has been dismissed as a common product of bitterness about a failed relationship, but it is separate from these normal feelings of hurt. Parental alienation is in fact an internationally recognised form of parental psychological abuse and undermines the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN Convention on the rights of the child. In Mexico and Brazil, it is even classed as a criminal offence.
In the UK, Cafcass is now raising awareness about the ‘profound’ emotional impact that parental alienation can have on a child. Judges in the courts of England and Wales are becoming quicker to recognise its severity after Mrs Justice Parker commented in 2013 on the damage parental alienation can cause in Re H (children):
‘I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful.’
Typically, court cases of this sort can be strung out across several months, during which the child is at greater risk of abuse.
Parental alienation is present in about 11 to 15 percent of all UK divorces, making up 10% of Cafcass’ private law caseload which amounts to 6,000 children a year. In response to this phenomenon, Cafcass has launched new guidelines called the ‘High Conflict Practice Pathway’. The new strategy will mean that children could be taken away from the alienating parent and placed with the ‘target’ parent when social workers detect signs of manipulation. The focus will be on allowing the child to maintain a relationship with both parents but if the alienating parent fails to improve their behaviour, their contact with the child could be restricted or, in the most serious cases, refused. Cafcass has also developed a 12-week programme called ‘Positive Parenting’ to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position and change their behaviour. Failing this, psychologists and psychiatrists will be brought in to assist. This ‘ground-breaking’ initiative started this November will be a three-month trial working with 50 of the most difficult cases. When the pilot scheme has come to an end, the results will be evaluated before the programme can be rolled out officially in Spring 2018.
Until now, Cafcass has been dealing with parental alienation on a case-by-case basis by recognising suspicious signs. These include a child having an inexplicable aversion to seeing the other parent despite them behaving impeccably, or speaking in a language that is clearly not their own. This has meant that many cases of parental alienation, which often manifest themselves more subtly, are overlooked. Assistant director of Cafcass, Sarah Parsons commented:
‘The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.’
Indeed, parental alienation can be a very complex issue as many parents genuinely believe that they are improving their child’s life by shutting out the other parent. In other cases, both parents feel as though they are victims of alienation.
After lobbying to see action against parental alienation, groups such as Families Need Fathers are seeing Cafcass’ decision as ‘very welcome news’, despite coming later than hoped. The organisation’s chair, Jerry Karlin, commented:
‘The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life.’
At Families Need Fathers, parental alienation is in fact the single biggest issue among those who seek help. One father who lost contact with one of his daughters owing to parental alienation told The Guardian:
‘This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.’
Although the effects of genuine parental alienation can be traumatic, we must be mindful that there are many cases where a child or parent may want to limit contact with the other parent for legitimate reasons. Where an ex may have been abusive in the past, it is understandable that the resident parent takes it upon themself to warn the child not to get too close. Cafcass workers will have to be careful to spot any signs of abuse from either parent, whether it be linked to alienation or not.
It is not without irony that children deemed to be victims of parental alienation will potentially be taken away from a parent and denied contact with them, but it is heartening that Cafcass are finally implementing a much-needed solution to this appallingly widespread problem. Hopefully by spring, the numbers of children exposed to this insidious form of abuse will dwindle and the British public will no longer regard parental alienation as an unsavoury but unexceptional part of the divorce process.
This article was originally published by Vardags.
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