How to Spot a Narcissist in 3 Steps
They can be very difficult to be around, so be aware of what you’re facing.
Posted Aug
Whether you’re dating, making friends, looking for a job, hiring employees, or joining a club or organization, it can be helpful to know some of the warning signs for people with narcissistic personality disorder or significant traits
In relationships, they usually consider themselves superior to you, are insulting and demeaning, do not reciprocate attention, demand constant admiration, may lose interest in you, may be promiscuous, may spend your money on others, and may humiliate you in public to enhance their own image.
In the workplace, they may spend inordinate amounts of time chatting with co-workers to impress them, make promises they don’t keep and take credit for your hard work. As supervisors, they may bully you alone or in front of others. They may speak disparagingly of those above them, but only have good things to say in their presence. (Kicking down and kissing up!)
The Theme of Superiority
The DSM-5 lists nine potential criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. In relationships, these emphasize superiority, including being arrogant, believing they are special, demanding admiration, lacking empathy and taking advantage of others. The DSM-5 suggests that up to 6.2% of the adult population may have this disorder.1 You have surely met some of them. If they have the personality disorder, then they have a narrow, enduring pattern of behavior that repeats and repeats and repeats, regardless of what you do. It’s important to realize that you can’t change them.
As a therapist, I have helped many clients learn tools for coping with a narcissisticpartner. (It’s not about you; this is what they do. Don’t bother trying to give them insight into their past behavior, they won’t get it and it creates a power struggle. Focus on what your choices are at the moment. Etc.)
As a family lawyer, I have helped many women and several men separate from their narcissistic partners after years of verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse. Even getting divorced can be a very rocky road, but manageable if you know what you’re dealing with.
The WEB Method for Spotting Them
With this in mind, let’s look at some of the warning signs that you might be getting into a relationship of one type or another with a narcissist. I recommend a 3-Step approach that I call the WEB Method: Pay attention to their WORDS, your EMOTIONS and theirBEHAVIOR which 90% of people would never do. (For more on this method, see my book 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, below.)
The following are several hints you may pick up from a narcissist early on, using the WEB Method.
Their WORDS
Watch for both extremely positive and extremely negative words, about you or others.
EXTREMELY POSITIVE (SEDUCTIVE) WORDS include: I love you, you’re so wonderful! I’ve never met someone as great as you are! You’re so much better than all the others. You’re the center of my life! I will give you everything you deserve. No one has treated you as good as I will treat you. The person you were with before was a real loser. I have this great idea that will make me really famous someday. Let me tell you about it. (Notice that much of this is very comparative—that’s a warning sign that you will compare negatively later on.)
EXTREMELY NEGATIVE (DISPARAGING) WORDS include: That person over there is a real loser. Let me tell you about him (or her). The people that rejected my great idea are some of the stupidest people I have ever met. They don’t know brilliance when it’s staring them in the face. My boss is really treating me unfairly. I’m thinking of going over his head and getting him fired. I can’t wait until everyone sees him being walked out of the office for good! He’ll be totally humiliated. (Notice the thrill of superiority and lack of empathy, even if the other person is a lousy boss.)
WORDS THAT SHOW LACK OF EMPATHY OR INTEREST include: The following happens a lot with narcissists. If you tell the person about a bad experience or vulnerability that you have, their response will often begin with: Well, let me tell you what happened to me once! There’s often no recognition of your concern—or even your existence, sometimes. They lose interest quickly, once they think they have you.
VICTIM WORDS: Narcissists perpetually see themselves as superior, but also perpetually as victims. When they are exposed as not being so superior after all, they suffer what is often called “a narcissistic injury.” Maybe they were turned down for a job promotion in favor of someone else. After such an “injury,” they will become obsessed with proving how bad the other person is and how wonderful they are. They may go on a long rant: It’s so unfair what they did/said/are. I will show them! They’re punishing me for being better than they will ever be!
Your Emotions
Now pay attention to your own emotions. How do you feel around the person?
FEEL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? This person is so nice to you, you feel extremely loved and flattered. You may have a euphoric feeling. He/she almost seems too good to be true. That’s a warning sign, because people who intensely and endlessly flatter you are often not who they seem. Their charm for you is a warning sign. Sometimes, they are simply charming and not a narcissist. But sometimes it means you are being seduced in the moment with lovely words by a narcissist, who will say them soon to the next person or organization they meet. They like winning more than having.
FEEL STUPID AND INADEQUATE? Some narcissists are so busy puffing themselves up, that they don’t realize that they are putting you down in the process—it’s so automatic for them. You may not even notice it consciously at first, but soon you may be filled with self-doubt. I wonder what he/she thinks of me? I’m not really that smart, talented, attractive after all. I’m certainly not in his/her league, am I?
FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T BREATHE? It’s common for narcissists to “suck up all the oxygen in the room.” Other people start feeling like they can’t breathe, because they can’t get a word in. Whatever someone else says, the conversation gets steered back to the narcissist somehow.
Their Behavior
Notice what they do, more than what they say. Narcissists have lots of words to distract from and make up for their insensitive behavior. People constantly confront narcissists and constantly are frustrated. Rather than reflecting on their past behavior, narcissists defend it and attack you for criticizing them. (“How dare you, after all I’ve done for you!”). So just become aware of their behavior and ignore their words excusing or distracting from it.
For example: Instead of saying: “Why were you late?!” You could say: “I’d prefer if you would let me know ahead of time if you’re going to be late, so I can make other plans.”Then, just leave it at that and notice if they fulfill or ignore your request. If they try to fulfill your request, that’s a good sign. But if there’s an unchanging pattern of disregard for you and your requests, then you may consider ending that relationship, since you’re not going to change that person. If you feel taken for granted, remember that narcissists like winning relationships, not having relationships. He/she may be on to the next conquest.
TARGETS OF BLAME: If a narcissist also has a high-conflict personality, that means that they will look for a Target of Blame when something goes wrong for them. They may intensely blame you for something minor or non-existent or done by someone else (perhaps even by themselves, which is called “projection”). When they mess up, they often look for someone close by to blame. It’s all your fault that I didn’t get that promotion! You should have spoken to the boss like I asked you to. Now what are you going to do about it!!
As with all of the high-conflict personalities, they tend to blame people in close relationships with them (girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, kids, parents, close friends, close neighbors, etc.) or people in authority positions (supervisors, business owners, police, governmentagencies, etc.). They often get stuck in a cycle of attacking a Target of Blame and defending themselves, rather than getting any work done or paying attention to their family: such as making angry phone calls, writing long email rants or engaging in social media meltdowns.
Notice if they have ever done something that 90% of people would never do ("The 90% Rule"). Something that you would never do. If so, regardless of their excuses, it usually means there’s a pattern of high-conflict behavior under the surface which would support such extreme behavior. For narcissists, this often includes humiliating a partner or child in public, sabotaging a co-worker or verbally attacking a colleague or employee in a meeting for something the narcissist actually did.
Conclusion
Think of all of these patterns (of words, emotions and behavior) as potential warning signs. None of this is a diagnosis, but rather hints to help you decide who you want in your relationships at home, at work and in your community. Of course, you may not be able to avoid the person, or you may decide there are benefits that you will get with someone with these traits, in which case think about how to carefully manage the relationship.
I always want to emphasize that no one chooses to have a personality disorder or high-conflict personality, so that we need to have empathy and compassion for them, and treat them with respect, regardless of whether you distance yourself from them or manage a relationship with them.
Whatever you decide to do, it helps to know what you’re getting into. Therefore, be aware of their WORDS, your EMOTIONS and their BEHAVIOR (especially the 90% rule).
References
1. American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. Arlington, VA, American Psychiatric
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The Narcissist
Is a Narcissist in Your Life?
Posted Jan 02, 2013
Pretty as a picture
Sweeter than a swisher
Mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with you
I don't gotta talk about it baby you can see it
But if you want I'll be happy to repeat it
(Keri Hilson)
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Source: iStock.com
Do narcissists exist?
Those of you who have dealt with anarcissistic wife or ex husband, or have been hurt by a narcissistic businesspartner know in your bones that such people are alive and well. Think about a difficult, self centered and self promoting person, who claims to think about others but almost always does what’s good for him. Does anyone come to mind? We label these self centered people - narcissists - every day. Yet, the authors of DSM 5 almost took Narcissistic Personality Disorder out, only to leave it in at the last moment.
So what gives?
First, let’s take a look at the heuristicvalue of Personality Disorders as a whole.
When your orthopedist looks as a broken femur he has a relatively simple task. You have only two femurs, so it is either the right one or the left one. The break may be simple or more complex. But most of us have the same anatomy surrounding our femur, the same joints, muscle construction and ligaments. There are thicker femurs and thinner ones, but the essential anatomy is the same. The doctor has easy ways to access damage. A physical examination often makes the diagnosis obvious. An X-Ray confirms the diagnosis in most cases. If the injury is subtle, an MRI can tease out what’s going on.
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Personality Disorders do not have the diagnostic reliability of a broken femur, or of a strep throat or of breast cancer. Each of these has signs and symptoms, coupled with well proven laboratory tests that can verify what you are dealing with. While you can get any of these wrong – the breast cancer turns out to be benign, the broken femur turns out to be a side effect of steroid abuse – there is solid heuristic value to each label. Narcissistic Personality does not have this kind of diagnostic certainty and that’s what the controversy is really all about.
After all, to label someone a Narcissist is pretty damning.
The brain has over 100 Billion neurons, and endlessly more connections between them. So, each brain is remarkably unique. Think about a face. It is a pretty simple structure. You have two eyes, a nose, a forehead, two cheeks, a mouth, two ears, some hair (or not), and a chin. Sounds simple; yet with some minor variations you find that no two faces are the same – with over 7 billion unique faces on the planet. Each brain has an unlimited number of differences that help to make a person what he or she is to become. The femur model does not really apply to personality.
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In the world of psychiatric diagnosis we do have disorders that come close, though. Most people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Schizophrenia or Panic Attacks have much in common with each other. Our mental status exam and psychiatric evaluation come closer to the orthopedist and his broken femur. Neuropsychological testing reveals consistent pattern of thinking that indicate whether a person is say, psychotic or just obsessively anxious. Here psychiatry approaches the femur standard – but still falls way short. This is okay, because the human psyche is tougher to assess and highly unique – getting back to the 100 Billion neuron problem.
So, what about Narcissism?
As most of you know, narcissism fits in a psychiatric category called Personality Disorders. These folks have a maladaptive style of functioning in the world that can be hurtful to them or to others. Here is an abbreviated view of narcissism (with some minor alterations to make this character type clearer):
• Exaggerated sense of one’s talents and importance
• Fantasies of great romance, great insight or great achievement
• Excessive need for admiration and attention
• Powerful sense of entitlement – can rationalize selfish acts as perfectly normal
• Tendency to use people as objects
• Lacks true empathy; but often can feign empathy quite well
• Easily hurt – and easily injures others (sometimes badly)
• Obsessed with oneself
• Lacks capacity to be self critical
We all have elements of these traits. Some may argue that this list beautifully describes most healthy teenagers! Yet, what if an adult is truly trapped in this personality set? It can spell trouble for them and those who are their husbands, wives, business partners and children.
However flawed, the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder has real value. You need to know what you are dealing with. And if you are the Narcissist, you will ultimately benefit from understanding why you go from failed relationship to failed relationship – and why you never have enough, despite your looks, money or success.
The hole in your life is on the inside.
Every Narcissist is different. They each have a separate array of the 100 Billion neurons. They each have a different upbringing and they each have the above traits in varying degrees. The last criterion is one that I added, because in my experience, it is most critical. Most Personality Disorders lack the ability to look at themselves critically, as if from the outside. Criticism is too easily seen as an attack, and not a useful insight. Narcissists in this way are primitive psychologically. They just can’t be wrong.
Good therapy is about Meta-Cognition, which is the ability to watch yourself while you think. Great therapy helps the patient to go one step further. You ask a patient to Meta-Cognate, and then ask whether he really wants to continue to act the way he does. It is not easy, but we do have choices.
The Narcissist will try to please the therapist with her brilliance, warmth, or charm. She will stake out all the ways she has been let down by others and rationalize everything that she may do that is hurtful. In the world of divorce, for instance, a Narcissist may simply drop the marriage because “the love was not good enough” and then get outraged that her husband won’t just go along with it. After all, “isn’t it better that we both should be happy?”
She fails to see him as a person , and just assumes that he should feel the way she does. Then, she gets angry with him for being upset, avoids any criticism and may go so far as to feel justified in poisoning the kids against their dad. “The kids are better off without him.” Once she cuts bait, how he ends up is not her concern – relationships are ultimately chess pieces to be moved around. The loyalty you sometimes see in a good divorce exists only in her words, not in her deeds.
One scary point: People with NPD can be vicious when frustrated. Divorce regresses them further and sometimes domestic violence is possible. Whether you buy into the NPD diagnosis or not, it is dangerous to be a position of vulnerability with someone who feels justified in hurting you because he or she has lost control. Many women (and some men) can’t get their heads around the fact that someone who once loved them canhurt them (or their kids). Get help if you think this is your problem.
The downside to the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that it can become a cheap catch phrase that you can use whenever you don’t like someone. It makes you feel superior because you have a label for him or her. It may be a sign of your own self importance if you reduce someone to a diagnosis. I buy into that.
So, does Narcissists exist?
In the fluid world of psychiatric nosology, I think the term Narcissist has value.
Here are some lessons that may be helpful:
1. Narcissists are people who are remarkably self-centered to the point of exploitation.
2. A Narcissist may be so entitled that he doesn’t even see himself as hurting others.
3. It is easy to be attracted to a Narcissist. They often possess admirable talents and looks. In my experience, many love romance – but not long term love.
4. If you have a lover, spouse or ex with these traits, just know that you may not count to her as much as you think. Knowing this can help protect you.
5. Yes, he may have loved you. He may be incredibly handsome, a great lover and an interesting person but notice how much of what he has done is self referential. He is far from selfless.
6. When it comes to love, most narcissists are more in love with love than in love with you.
7. Once the relationship is over, your history with him is not that important.
8. Many of these characters have a tough time getting older and good therapy can help them transition to being a better person. Generally, this happens when their beauty, wealth or accomplishments fail to work for them anymore.
9. The mid life crisis of a narcissist can be one of the more satisfying psychotherapies. They need love like everyone else; and better late than never.
10. Narcissists as a group have a powerful sense of urgency. They want a lot out of this life. And some of them make a real contribution to the worlds of acting, academics, religion, politics, science, literature and yes, psychology. Their pain is often internal – as in a relentless lack of satisfaction – and external – as in the debris of many failed relationships.
Narcissism is a useful term, even if it can be misused. It’s good to have words that can help you know what you’re dealing with. And, if you have these traits, knowing the full picture of narcissism may help you wake up to why you’re so chronically demanding – or empty. And, if your lover, friend, parent or spouse is narcissistic, you’ll have a better picture of what’s going on.
Caution: Not every hurtful person is a Narcissist. Sometimes he is just an A-hole. There is a difference.
Bottom Line: People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are problematic people. They miss out on much of the subtle beauty of life.
Just, if you are close to one - protect yourself.
Psychology Today © 2018 Sussex Publishers, LLC
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